TOURS > 3 short stories by Gavin Mayo

Ben's Mankini Backfire

Whilst in his room I can only imagine Ben chuckerling to himself as he stripped off and proceeded to put on his 'Borat' style mankini!! Thoughts running through his head of this moment being the stuff of legends!! His plan simple, he would go down the hallway knocking on peoples doors wearing only his costume and a smile oooohhhh the laughs, the jestering, the damn right humour of a man in a one piece thong!!!!

With the time right Ben made his move knocking on the room of Gavin & Graham (mistake 1), after striking a pose and the laughs dying down from the two love birds it was now time to collect the next round of applause and move onto the next room number. Ben must have made 4 steps when the quick witted Graham shouted "quick turn the fire alarm on" (mistake 2) and then closing Ben's door behind him (mistake 3). Now I don't know if Superman moonlights as a hotel security guard on his days of but faster than a speeding bullet there he was making a be-line straight towards the mankini wonder!!!!

With the thanks of Grahams fateful words Ben's dreams of banta and prankster folk law had crumbled around him in no less than 5mins. There was a look of bemusement on his face as he was frog marched back to his door and I fear that look was only there to hide his tears. With Grahams joke of closing the door back firing too it seemed like a life time as Ben stood there shoulder to shoulder with the guard whilst they waited for Dariuz to let him back in. The last thing Gavin & Graham saw of Ben was his bare bum caressing a bright green thong sadly making its way towards his bed in utter disbelief!!

Danny's Miracle Stumble

Theres an old saying that goes if a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it does it fall at all?? My question is, if an idiot falls over in the street and everyone see's it (even a long line of people waiting for a coach) is it funny?? Damn right it is especially when the idiot is non other than Danny Sarling!!

Now I am not sure what sent him over that day I can only assume his tight shorts started to restrict the blood flow around his thighs and they gave way. There are other speculations of overloading them with weight and even the far out claim that he actually tripped!!!

Allow me to set the scene, after a long day down at the beach the tour group decided to head back up the hill to their hotel were they would continue to relax and rejoice on times gone by. With the hotel in sight only another 100 yards or so up the hill Danny knew he would have to act fast if he was to really make his mark. A look to his right and he could see the football team walking around him, a look to his left a queue of people waiting for a coach this was his time to shine and boy did he deliver!!

All in all Danny went down slower that 80 year old hooker with a severe hip problem and bad back, by the time he had hit the floor everyone involved had aged by at least 4 years.

The fall happened in the following stages:

Step 1. Danny walking along happy enough starts to lean in a very forward angle. The best way to picture this is to imagine a green toy army man (like the ones in Toy Story) in a microwave just as it starts to melt the top half starts to lean over slightly yeah!? That was Danny.

Step 2. The smile on his face quickly changes from delight to dread as he starts to shuffle towards the ground.

Step 3. Panic hits when he realises that his hands are full, one has his towel and beach gear the other has a bottle of water in it. Looks like trusty old face will cushion his fall.

Step 4. By now the bottom half of his body is twisted underneath him on the floor whilst his top half is carrying on the momentum of falling forward. To make matters worse and an even bigger spectacle of himself Danny starts to fall into the crowd of players around him.

Step 5. Danny lands on the floor looking the same way Steven Hawkins would if he fell face first from his chair. To this day I am unsure how he managed such a yoga-esk position, face down, arse in the air, his legs crossed slightly and his chubby arms folded underneath him still clutching onto his items!!!

Graham Bare's All

After a successful day at the beach everyone headed back to get showered, changed and do their hair. No exception to this was Gavin & Graham who headed into their room with a smile on their faces and a spring in their steps, this smile would soon change for Gavin who explains the rest;

"We went into the room and I laid down on my bed. I was laying on my back with my eyes facing the ceiling, I thought I would be ok, I thought I would be safe then I heard that noise, that noise of falling stones. Sometimes late at night I can still hear those stones laughing at me, taunting me I hate those stones."

"I look over my shoulder to see Graham removing his swim shorts, the st, st, st, stones from the beach had collected in them during the day and had now spilled all over our bedroom floor. Graham said he thought he had removed them all whilst at the beach but that was not the case, I then rolled over on my side to look the other way if only I had stayed there, if only I had not looked back why I ask why............."

"After a couple of minutes I start to here a sweeping noise from behind me, I should have ignored it but curiosity got the better of me that day, if I knew the horrors that awaited me I would have never looked, never!! My eyes are dirty now they no longer see colour just black, black and that, that image!!!"

"I turn round to see Graham sweeping the stones with his flip flop, he's facing away from me. My eyes start to wonder upwards, no shoes on his feet, no socks either, no shorts, no, noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!! Its so hairy, so dark the light only enhances the silhouette of his nether region, why god why me??"

"It wasn't until I had stopped screaming that I heard Graham say He he I should have proberly worn pants whilst doing this. I have had 576 showers since that day and have rinsed my eyeballs with bleach 17 times but its always their, always!!!"